


He’d Been So Sure

by definitely_a_textbook



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, episode 55, that episode was insane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 07:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18139340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/definitely_a_textbook/pseuds/definitely_a_textbook
Summary: Caleb knew what a charm spell felt like, nearly everyone did when they felt it, but in his surprise, in his hesitation, Caleb faltered. The voice curled around him, sending a shiver of magical energy down his spine. Caleb’s previously tense muscles gradually relaxed. He felt content for the first time in years, safe in the ethereal embrace of unseen strangers.It felt good to be liked. It felt good to be wanted.





	He’d Been So Sure

Caleb knew what had happened the moment he felt the spectral hand caress his face. He saw no one, but he heard a voice in the back of his head cooing, tutting, and scratching at the pitiful part of his mind that was desperate for validation, for safety.

_**So handsome.** _

What?

_**So powerful.** _

No.

Caleb knew what a charm spell felt like, nearly everyone did when they felt it, but in his surprise, in his hesitation, Caleb faltered.

_**I like you a lot.**_ The voice curled around him, sending a shiver of magical energy down his spine. Caleb’s previously tense muscles gradually relaxed. He felt content for the first time in years, safe in the ethereal embrace of unseen strangers. He breathed, taking in deep calming breaths. Breathing felt easy for once and he felt safe here with them. They were kind and they knew what was best. 

It felt good to be liked. It felt good to be wanted.

Nott was talking to him. He turned toward her voice to give his friend his full attention.

“ _ **I don’t like those friends of yours. I don’t trust them.**_ ”

Nott’s voice was more annoying than Caleb remembered. The grating, accented pitch made his eardrums itch. Caleb tried to listen, but Nott wasn’t making it easy. Her warbling tone tumbled passed jagged teeth and Caleb wanted her to just stop talking.

“A while back, I wrote a letter to someone you used to know. Astrid? I think it might have been a mistake, in retrospect.”

Caleb blinked, uncertain what to think, uncertain what to do. He didn’t understand why she would have done such a thing. He just felt annoyed. “You are telling me this now?” He didn’t mean to snap at her. He hadn’t wanted to, but it had felt right at the time.

Nott’s voice grew quiet as she fumbled her words. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… Should we get the others?”

“We will have this discussion later.” Caleb motioned her aside, still only vaguely certain where she truly was while invisible. He paused, deciding it would be easiest to just call the group in. There was no danger here. “Everything’s fine! Come up!”

“What took so long?” Jester’s voice called out from down the hall, playfully and irritatingly frustrated with him.

Caleb scowled, despite himself. “Nott is just getting strangely personal and enigmatic!” he shouted back, glaring in the direction he assumed Nott to be.

“I’m sorry.” Nott muttered again and Caleb nearly felt sorry for shouting.

Their friends chattered amongst themselves as they found their way to them at a leisurely pace. Caleb waited for them in the cavern. Their footsteps crew closer, clicking louder against the uneven stone floor. He barely caught a glimpse of them before a whisper brushed past his ear.

“ _ **Light them up, pretty.**_ ”

He didn’t hesitate to follow the command. Caleb’s hands found the bat guano and sulfur with practiced ease. It was almost too easy to catch them all by surprise. As his friends entered the chamber, they were all too busy with each other to bother watching him. Caleb pulled his hands apart, a rolled ball of guano in one and sulfur in the other.

He almost caught them all by surprise, but Beauregard glanced away from Fjord just in time to make eye contact with him. Her eyes to flickered to his hands and her smile fell away. Caleb brought his hands together, muttering arcane words under his breath. The booming clap echoed in the cavern as he hands caught fire. 

He cast fireball and watched as his friends were enveloped in an explosion of flame.

They screamed as he expected them to. Of course, they would scream as fire licked up their clothing and flesh, even as a few of them dodged out of the way. For a moment, Caleb felt his hands tremble, but everything was alright. He was surrounded by friends. He was safe here and he was only following orders. He was only doing as he was told. They’d understand.

Yasha rushed in, her blade drawn. Her head whipped around, her eyes frantically searching the room for something to cleave through. Nott appeared to his left, screaming out a poorly executed joke that wouldn’t make him laugh. He didn’t even understand it.

Beauregard ran straight for him, frantic.

“What’s happening? Is this it? Is this the day?” She grabbed for his wrist and caught it in vice grip. He glanced at his hand, intrigued by his soot covered fingertips and bitten nails dirtied at the edges by ash. He’d always hated how his hands looked when he cast evocation spells, but today, he wasn’t so sure he minded. 

Beauregard shook him. “Do I have to kill you now? Caleb?”

Caleb frowned down at her. It almost sounded like a joke, better than Nott’s, but still terrible.

“Are you okay?” The concern in her voice wasn’t lost on him. Caleb just didn’t know what to make of it. He wasn’t sure how to answer. He wasn’t sure how he felt anymore.

When he didn’t respond, her gripped tightened.

“Caleb, what are you doing!?” Jester shrieked. She ran past the lingering flames, patting the embers off her dress. 

“Stop him before he casts again!” Nott’s voice shouted from somewhere behind him.

Jester’s hand reached out toward him, magic shimmering around her fingertips.

Caleb could feel his heart pounding in his ears and then silence. The sudden shift sent him reeling. The room was spinning beneath his feet and he nearly lost his footing. He shook his head, willing the magic to disperse, and his success was rewarded with ringing in his ears. The sound of it made him double over and Caleb tried to press the heel of his hands into his ears. Beauregard didn’t let him go, instead grabbing his coat sleeve with her free hand.

“Jess!” He heard Beau’s panicked, muffled voice over the noise, “What’d you do?”

“Deafened him!” Jester shouted back, the noise beginning to diminish, “He can’t cast if he can’t hear himself!”

Caleb has spent so long so afraid, hating himself, distancing himself from others. He had only recently allowed himself to find comfort of the group’s presence. He realized then, pressing his hands to his ears to stave of the ringing, that he’d been wrong to trust them, he’d been stupidly naive. He’d been too careless. He been too trusting.

Kill him?

Deafen him?

Stop him from casting?

It all seemed so obvious now. Bile rose in his throat when he realized Beauregard was still holding his arm, still holding him in place. They had brought him here to kill him. Jester had tried to take away his only defense. They wanted to make this easy. How dare she? How dare they?

Any other day he might have laid down and died, but not today.

Caleb didn’t feel afraid anymore. He felt betrayed, deceived, tricked. He felt angry.

He needed to defend himself.

Caleb stood straight and grabbed phosphorous from his pocket. He tore his wrist from Beauregard’s hand, surprising her and hurting his wrist. He ran his hand through the phosphorous on his palm and cast Wall of Flame between him and them.

It all seemed to happen so fast once Fjord forced the water in the pool behind him to nearly push him into his own flames. The adrenaline let him hold himself in place against the onslaught on the rocks. It hurt, but he pushed that to the back of his mind. There was no room to dwell on pain. There was no room to complain on the battle field. It felt right to be told what to do. To fight. To survive.

He’d thought they were friends.

He realized, belatedly, drench in water and struggling to catch his breath, that the fire he’d conjured had been nearly put out by the wave.

_**Well, that just won’t do.** _

Caleb raised his hand and the flames flickered back to life. With the wall only a few inches off the ground, Caleb could see the people that betrayed him. They watched him with fear in their eyes. Good, they should be afraid.

He’d been afraid for too long.

This just wasn’t fair.

They had all seemed so kind.

He’d believed them!

Yasha appeared at his side before Caleb could think to move. He threw up his arm and her sword cracked against his shield. She grit her teeth and pulled back to swing again.

He didn’t know why he thought she saw him as anything other than a nuisance. After everything he’d admitted, after everything they’d learned about him. All he ever did was bring the group down, but he didn’t want to die today.

“Come on!” Yasha brought her sword down and Caleb felt the flesh of his shoulder and chest split open. He cried out and raised the arm he could still move to… to…

He blinked and saw Yasha, his friend, her expression of malice twisting into the painful plea for recognition it had always been. Caleb glanced to the rest of his companions, finding them battered and calling out for him, eyes pleading with him. As the charm spell fizzled from his mind, Caleb had only a moment in the continued chaos to realize what he’d done.

“I’m sorry!” he whimpered, but it didn’t feel like enough. It probably never would be.

Nott rushed to his side and pressed a potion bottle into his hand. “Drink it.”

He didn’t do as he was told, not immediately, anyway. Caleb shoved a licorice root into his mouth and, hoping she would understand he wasn’t trying to harm her, extended his open hand toward Beauregard and cast Haste.

He ran to get away from the fray, wanting to be out of the way to let the heavy hitters do their job without him to work around. He almost expected Beauregard to grab for him as he ran past her, but she let him go.

“Caleb, what the fuck?” Jester growled, anxiously glancing between him and the battle field.

Shrinking in on himself, Caleb weakly tried to explain his actions, “He - She – They got in my head.” Jester - sweet, kind Jester who thought she saw good in him - turned away to watch the fight, only half listening to Caleb speak. “I’m sorry,” he whispered again. If he’d had the time, Caleb would have curled in on himself and let himself fall apart. Unfortunately, he wasn’t awarded that sort of luxury as he and his friends were cut down around him. 

-

Caleb awoke to his heart racing in his chest, kicking out his legs to fight of lingering flames that crawled up his pantlegs. Blinking through the dark, Caleb found himself surrounded by familiar faces and the comfort of the vague recollection of time. Counting the seconds, the minutes, it was probably three hours past dawn, three hours since Jester had closed that rift, since Beauregard had ripped the heart from a demon, since Nott killed an incubus and an ally with the same explosive arrow.

Nott was curled in tightly at his side. The tears she’d shed just before bed left streaks against her cheeks. Caleb pulled his hand out from beneath his chest. He brushed Nott’s hair away from her face, annoyed that he’d rolled over in his sleep and unwittingly pushed her aside. It was probably a coincidence, but Caleb always found that he slept worse on his stomach.

Glancing around himself, Caleb noticed Yasha sitting up, arms crossed and head bowed. Fjord lay asleep beside Jester who curled herself around her large and trembling puppy, protecting the poor thing from some unforeseen threat or… from Caleb. Caduceus curled in as well, more to provide space for others than to protect himself, but Caleb still found his stillness wrong, reminiscent of what they’d almost lost… again, if it weren’t for the snoring.

People will die around him and it will hurt if he let himself get attached, Caleb reminded himself. Mollymauk had already made himself an example. Caduceus, or any of the others, following in his footsteps would not be a surprise. Caleb felt bitter at the thought and shoved it aside for further evaluation when his brain wasn’t so muddle with fatigue. There was time for that later.

Beauregard, Caleb noticed as he tried to pull away to create some space between him and the others, had her fist clenched around the back of his coat and shirt collar. He shuffled a bit, attempting to roll over, but Beauregard showed no signs of letting go. If he wanted to get away, he’d have to risk waking her.

Yasha sighed and blinked open her mismatched eyes. Caleb froze under her gaze, but it was softer than he thought he deserved. “Go back to sleep,” she whispered, attempting to sooth him.

Caleb nodded, unwilling to argue, and laid back down. 

“I am sorry,” she mumbled, frowning down at him, and Caleb felt a pang in his chest. The scratches that still remained where her sword had cut though flesh itched under his shirt, far less lethal after Caduceus tried to heal them.

“No,” Caleb struggled to reply, the words caught in his throat, “I am sorry.”

Caleb doesn’t sleep. He tried at the behest of Yasha, who seemed so sincere in her concern for him, but he could still see his house in flames behind his eyelids, he could still hear his parents screams mingling with the cries of the friends he didn’t deserve. Memories of the past blended with memories recently made when he slept and he found himself distinctly unwilling to return to it, as cowardly as it made him feel.

Caleb Widogast was a coward, he reasoned.

Caleb Widogast didn’t believe in the Empire’s cause.

Caleb Widogast was allowed to care for others, if only somewhat.

He relished in these statements and willed them all to be true at the same time. He could be Caleb Widogast if he tried hard enough. But, where did that put him, when got what he wanted, when he realized the potential Nott was so certain he could fulfill? Where would Caleb Widogast go then? Where would his friends be then?

Caleb meticulously slowed his breathing. It felt too artificial to allow sleep to overtake him, but at least he wouldn’t bother the others. In the back of his mind, he knew what happened last night wasn’t the same. He hadn’t plotted to kill his friends, like he had when he killed his poor mother and father. He hadn’t been in his right mind last night. He hadn’t wanted any of this… but he’d been so sure he would never be stupid enough to be manipulated again. He’d been so sure…

“Yash… Is he asleep?” Beauregard’s harsh whisper sounded louder in Caleb’s ear than she probably intended.

Yasha hummed to herself, as if in thought, and muttered, “Not sure. Seems like it.”

“Caleb,” Beauregard’s voice was quieter. She released his collar and rubbed his back through his coat. Caleb tried to keep his breathing even. He hoped that, for all Beauregard knew, he was in a deep sleep.

“Wish he would stop thrashing around in his sleep,” she muttered, the circular motion of her hand stopped in the middle of his shoulder blades, an almost grounding pressure Caleb hadn’t realized he needed until it seemed like she would move her hand away.

“He dreams a lot,” Yasha whispered in response, “and they don’t seem very pleasant.”

“No, definitely not… How do you think Cad’s going?”

He heard Yasha shift slightly, “Pretty good. He seemed happy the Wildmother spoke to him.”

“Yeah, I guess. I think I’d be pretty freaked out if I… Anyway, what about you?”

“…I’m fine.”

“…Okay.” She didn’t sound very convinced. “…Night, Yash.”

“Good morning, actually.” Caleb could hear the tentatively playful lilt in her voice.

Beauregard chuckled weakly. “Right, good morning.”

The two of them readjusted and Caleb forced himself to try to sleep. He counted the hours that passed. By the time sleep took him, it felt like only a moment had passed before a hand was patting him awake.

“Caleb, what time is it?”

“Almost noon,” Caleb grumbled and sat up, resigned to greet another day.

**Author's Note:**

> Episode 55 was great and I was writing this the minute it ended. Is it wrong to say I got excited when Caleb was charmed? Made for a pretty crazy episode. I really hope they take the time to talk next episode, because the whole thing was basically combat and I don't think anyone had time to process what actually happpened. So much happened, i don't think I processed it, honestly.


End file.
